My Mischievious Imp

Little_imp

Last night I felt like I was being dragged backwards by a massive wave, all of my energy being used to try and return to the shore, nothing left to even allow me to tread water for awhile until things calmed. My daughter has been home for 7 weeks and returns to Med School on Sunday, a two hour drive away. I’ll miss her  so much. My son is so excited about his imminent departure to Melbourne to attend Swinburne University and study a Bachelor of Film and Television. God I’ll miss him too!! The house will feel empty and quiet without them both. I know they’re doing the right thing, in fact amazing things and I’m so proud of them both, but at this time I just like to draw my loved ones close. Next week Mum has an oncology appointment, it’s my first week back at school, luckily I can take a couple of hours off. But I’m dreading it…. what good news can they possibly have for us after the last lot? She still looks ok but I can see her getting thinner. She’s syphoning off cash to my daughter each time she sees her and I’m not sure that she has enough to be doing that. She hugged my daughter so hard yesterday as our weekly lunches have come to an end for now. My best friend is a nurse and over lunch she talked about the ‘awful death’ that liver tumours bring; not the cheeriest of lunch time conversations! The fact that mum’s palliative plays on my mind, the knowledge always lurking in the shadows, a trouble making imp ready to give it’s opinion at any moment: Mum comments on a new highway being built and the imp whispers to  me ” she’ll never see it finished will she?” My daughter looks at graduation gowns and the imp is right there saying mischievously ” her grandmother isn’t going to see her in that” My son talks about his 21st and the high pitched voice quips “his nan wont be at that will she?” I need to find a way to quiet the imp!!

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Making Memories.

reel

Been quite awhile since I had a cathartic write. A lot has gone on, but at the same time nothing has gone on. Mum doesn’t know that all of us kids and grand kids know she’s got a ‘use by’, having said that , one grand kid doesn’t actually know- her mum took her interstate years ago and she’s had no contact with her dad ( my little brother) she’s let me follow her on instagram so at least i have a way of contacting her if/when it’s necessary.

Christmas Day was 8/9 parts great. My 2 brothers, little sister and her husband along with mum came for a late lunch and dinner. We feasted and drank too much; well, again, 8/9 of us drank too much. My big brother insisted on driving, refused to relax, looks awful in the family photos and abused me for taking photos with my new selfie stick!! Apart from that, if that was mum’s last Christmas, as we’ve been told, it was a pretty good one. I really got on well with my little brother, which is such a gift as we’ve never been very close. Mum is trying hard to make sure I’ve forgiven my big brother as she’s clearly worried about him after she goes. He’s a total dick but I’ll never leave him alone at Christmas.

It’s funny in a way, but her biggest cause of pain and discomfort is her arthritic knee, not her metastatic cancer! We’ve been out for lunch since Christmas, had her down for lunch and a movie and lots of ‘phone calls. She’s keeping up a very brave front and is a great role model for us all.

My little sister struggles with it all as she lives away and can’t maintain the very easy contact that the other 3 of us can. She’ll be ok though, because like me, she is her mother’s daughter and we cope, as my daughter will too as she inherits our strong genes.

I’m struggling with my son also moving interstate in a couple of weeks. Have you seen the movie “Boyhood’? That really struck a cord with me, at the end when the son moved out. I’m really going to miss the afternoon coffee meets he, mum and I have during the working week.

Her next oncology appointment is 22nd January and I’ll be interstate helping my son move, so I’ve asked her if she’d like to change it or if she’s happy with my med student daughter taking her- she’s thinking on it.

For the meantime, I’m on summer holidays and have lots of time to make memories with my mum.